You meet the perfect guy or girl, there is instant chemistry since your first date, you text each other every day almost all day, the person tells you that he/she likes you, this goes on for a while and you get excited thinking it couldn\'t get any better. This is, until the messages become less frequent, you notice a change in the way they type and their attitude (small talk, short answers, etc) this goes on for a few days, until out of nowhere, the person finally disappears without giving any explanation. Instantly, your mind starts getting full of unanswered questions: What happened? What did I do? Why? and What should I do now? If you identify with this, welcome to the club! You've been ghosted!
This is a technique that is becoming more and more popular nowadays by guys very often, although I am well aware girls do it too. This post is mainly from a girl's perspective and my own personal experience. The purpose of this is to talk about ghosting in-depth, the reasons behind it and to give you some advice that might help you if you are ever facing this type of horrible situation (let's hope this is not the case).
What is ghosting?
It comes from the word "Ghost" (obviously), precisely because of the action of disappearing like one, to leave no trace at all and to vanish into the nothing without any given explanation to the person you are dating whether it's something "casual" or "official". Metaphors aside, ghosting is to ignore/block/or simply not answer texts or calls. This is done with the intention to let know the other person that whatever you had is OVER.
Why is it wrong?
We all know ghosting people is a crappy move, but I will list some reasons:
It represents immaturity, cowardice and it's disrespectful to the other person:
If you believe this is the best way to break up with someone simply because you don't want to deal with "the talk", it merely means that you have the traits of a coward. You need to grow up a little bit! If there is a problem just talk about it. You are ruining the concept of relationships and dates. If you are not ready for it don't even get involved with people or you'll end up hurting them.
If you believe this is the best way to break up with someone simply because you don't want to deal with "the talk", it merely means that you have the traits of a coward. You need to grow up a little bit! If there is a problem just talk about it. You are ruining the concept of relationships and dates. If you are not ready for it don't even get involved with people or you'll end up hurting them.
It leaves the victim dejected:
Of all the ghosted persons I've met, in real life and online, the big majority, if not everyone, said they would've preferred an official breakup. So if you are doing it with the intention of not hurting the other person's feelings, you are terribly wrong. When you don't give a reason to the other person you generate great insecurity and low self-esteem (which I'll talk in depth in the next point).
Of all the ghosted persons I've met, in real life and online, the big majority, if not everyone, said they would've preferred an official breakup. So if you are doing it with the intention of not hurting the other person's feelings, you are terribly wrong. When you don't give a reason to the other person you generate great insecurity and low self-esteem (which I'll talk in depth in the next point).
It leaves the victim in limbo:
Very similar to the last point. When a certain point of low self-esteem is reached the person starts questioning what did she/he do wrong? If it was the person's fault to push the other one away, if the significant other is ever coming back and everything will go back to normal. All of that along with some other confusing thoughts make a closure almost impossible and the person cannot move on easily, wasting days, weeks and maybe even months just waiting for the other person to show a sign of life.
Very similar to the last point. When a certain point of low self-esteem is reached the person starts questioning what did she/he do wrong? If it was the person's fault to push the other one away, if the significant other is ever coming back and everything will go back to normal. All of that along with some other confusing thoughts make a closure almost impossible and the person cannot move on easily, wasting days, weeks and maybe even months just waiting for the other person to show a sign of life.
It creates trust issues in the victim when it comes to future relationships;
I can personally identify with this one, because of a previous ghosting experiences it became really difficult for me to trust a guy even though he seemed like a good guy, especially because it's something that can happen from one day to another. I believe ghosting has helped destroyed the "Dating world" and relationships, because it's the easy way out.
Every person deserves an explanation:
No matter what type of relationship you had, whether it was good or bad, every person deserves an explanation. You can no longer feel the same way, it didn't work the way you wanted to or there isn't much in common, all of that is valid. But that person has invested some of her/his time on you and the least you can do is to give an explanation instead of just disappearing.
Reasons
This is something that every person under that situation wants to know: WHY? So here I'm going to list some of the possible reasons.Beware: Some of them may be too honest!
Scared of a confrontation:
This is probably the most common reason. The "ghoster" can either feel guilty, ashamed or scared of having this conversation, just to avoid any situation that will put him/her out of the comfort zone, and with this I mean avoiding any drama or accusations. This is why they think it's more practical to dodge all of this as much as they can.
They don't want to hurt your feelings:
Like I mentioned before, a lot of people believe that with the break up the victim will feel devastated, and even if it's very likely, that sorrow will last much less than ghosting the person. The uncertainty drives anyone crazy and the sadness just prolongs itself unnecessarily.
They chose someone else:
This is also a common thing, especially during the first dates before they make it something "official". They could've been dating someone else at the same time they were going out with you and simple they went official with the other person (I'm sorry).
They already had someone else:
The worst and evolved version of the last point. There are times when some people are having a bad time in their relationship or simply they can be into cheating just for the thrill of it. Either way, they were just looking for a temporary distraction until they got bored of it or because they were interested in their main relationship again, which of course, you were not aware of.
They wanted you as an option for the future:
If they don\'t break up with you officially, there is still a possibility of going back together in the near future, making up fake excuse like "I'm sorry, but I wasn't ready for a relationship/commitment back then", "I was having a bad moment and not feeling myself", etc. Although we all know that around 99% of the times it translates like "I was dating other people all this time and right now I don't have anyone else, so I was bored and suddenly I remembered about you" Please, don't fall for it!
They didn't see what you had as something important or serious:
At least not enough to make an official break up. It is terrible but it happens very often. That's why it's really important to know if the other person is on the same page as you, although sometimes it can be nearly impossible to know or they could always lie just to achieve whatever they want. So be careful and try to read their behavior.
He realized he didn't like you as much as he thought:
It's painful but also very common. It could be because of different personalities, hobbies or an opposite lifestyle; all of this could've made the other person think that whatever you had was not going to work out eventually. So he chose the quick exit and faded away.
You scared the person:
It's not that common but it can happen. Maybe a rumor about you was spread (whether it is true or false) and maybe changed the way the other person looked at you. It can also be because of behaving incorrectly (Stalking, trying to be manipulative, super clingy, possessive or plain mean)
The person actually has some family or personal issues:
The ghosting may not be intentional and the person may be really going through a difficult situation and thought it was the most appropiate thing. Still I consider this is not a valid excuse, the minute a person becomes a part of your life you owe him/her.
Advices
Even if it sounds a little bit exaggerated, it is not quite easy to overcome this confusing situation, especially if you already had feelings towards the other person. So here I will list some tips about how to deal with this situation and move on:1- It wasn't your fault:
Once you start suspecting that you have been ghosted, I think it is reasonable to give the benefit of the doubt at first, before making any conclusions or rushed decisions. The person might even have a legitimate reason to dissapear without notice. It could be that he or she is dealing with a really delicate problem at work, a family member or friend passed away or even a mental breakdown, anything can happen. So if you wan't to make one last effort to communicate with the person you could just send a text, which you will write in a mature and clear way.
I know feelings may arise during this moment but you need to control yourself and be the better person in this situation. The message can be something like\"Hello, how are you? I just wanted to know if everything is ok." If the person really cares about you and is actually going through a difficult moment he or she will answer eventually, I'd say to wait at the most 1 week, depending how often you texted each other. I believe that no matter the situation the person should have some respect to reply to your message, even if it's something like: "I'm going through a difficult moment right now, but I'll get in touch with you soon, I'm sorry" etc. If the person doesn't reply then you should follow the next step.
2- Accept you have been ghosted:
Even if at first you are not aware of what's going on, it becomes kinda obvious with time. Days pass by, you see the person online and posting stuff on social media, leaves your messages on read or simple ignores them. There is a moment where it is super clear that the other person simply doesn't want to talk to you, so the best is just to accept it. Don't make any excuses of why the person is not replying to your messages when it is undeniable that he or she has plenty of time to do other stuff.
A common question that surges among the victims once the other person doesn't reply the first messages is "Should I keep trying to reach for him/her?" The answer is NO. I know it is something difficult and that every inch of you will want to send a text demanding an explanation, ask why is he/she ignoring you or acting that way. Or maybe even just go on a crazy rant. It is during these moments when you have to be stronger than ever and abstain yourself from texting, calling and searching for the person, either in real life or in all the social networks, this will only make things worse and will make you go mental, trust me. Even though your frustration and anger is totally justified, I'll give you 3 reasons of why I believe it is not the best option.
A) First of all, you are just going to humiliate yourself and you should show at least some dignity in situations like these. Take the high road, sort of speak.
B) If you are constantly checking his/her social networks to see if there has been an update etc, you won't be able to move on, it will be a vicious circle over and over, and you will be stuck in that hole for a long time. You, with your phone in your hand, waiting for that message asking for an apology for disappearing, a message that you may never receive.
C) You don't want the person to think it was actually a good idea to ghost you, especially now that you are vulnerable and not acting in a logical way.
4.1 - Closure:
This is an optional tip that comes hand in hand with another one. Even though the ideal scenario is to not make any claims to the person because they don't really deserve even an extra minute of our time, there are some persons that need a closure, especially because the other person failed to provide one. You can do it by sending one last message, more than considering a venting message it will be more like a relieving message, you have your right, bu BE AWARE, your message/text should be clear, mature and brief. No "Thanks for letting me know we broke up you #$%&!" even if you really feel like saying it. Another important thing you must consider is, do not write the message expecting an answer, because you might not receive one, the person might not even see the message at all. But you will have "unleashed" all those feelings instead of keeping them for yourself, even if it's in a virtual way. The message can be something like "Judging by your silence I assume you don't want to continue the relationship, and that's ok, but I would have preferred you would have been honest with me, ...etc" or something along those lines. If you do this then you can proceed to the next step, almost immediatly.
4.2 - Delete from social media:
If you are a weak person, like me, I highly recommend this. You can either block or delete him/her from all the social networks you shared. This is to avoid any possible temptation of sending an unrequited text during a moment of weakness. Also, in case the person was actually going to contact you in the near future to go out with you again after using the previously mention technique "Save you for the future, after dating some other persons" Don't put yourself in that position!
5 - You are not the guilty person here:
Unless you destroyed the person's car or you were stalking them 24/7 then it wasn't your fault (jk!). So stop feeding your insecurities and don't even start thinking about any flaws, either physical or regarding your personality, stop torturing yourself about what you did or what you said, it is what it is and you can't change the past. So remember, it wasn't your fault, and you are not the guilty person here. The person who ghosted you is, for acting cowardly instead of facing problems or situations the way they are supposed to be.
6 - Distract yourself with things that you love :
Go out with your friends, play video games, binge watch a TV show, join a class you always wanted to join, or whatever. This will help keep your mind busy and eventually you will feel better, and with time you will even end up laughing with your friends about this situation.
7 - Be thankful:
Honestly, the person did you a favor. You dodged a bullet, because the way the other person acted says a lot about his/her maturity level, which was going to become blatant eventually in other situations. You don't want someone like that as your significant other. Even if it's sounds cliché, there are plenty of fish in the sea and you will find someone else that will actually want to be in your life. Unfortunately, ghosting is a danger you are exposed to when you are dating someone nowadays, and there is no way to tell before it happens. Leave those bad experiences in the past and be happy.
This post is directed to both male and female readers, because ghosting is not only used by a certain gender. It it something that I consider is wrong in many different aspects, and if you've ever done it I hope this helps you realize how a person feels when it's a victim of this situation, and hopefully never do it again. There is nothing more important than being honest.
Have you ever been ghosted? If so, what was your experience and I would like to hear your opinion on the subject and how did you overcame this situation. Thank you for reading!
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